Letting Go
by tkari
Summary: Yaoi. Oneshot. Horo is in the hospital, gravely sick. Ren knows he is going to die, but he can’t live without him. Yet Horo’s final wish is for him to do so. But will Ren be able to keep his promise?


A/N: Hey there. Another HoroxRen fic here. But this ones special. This one is dedicated to a little girl called Michelle… who basically nearly made me cry, so I just had to dedicate a story to her, lol. It's about knowing that sometimes, to help the ones you love, you have to let them go. Some of you are probably thinking 'I don't know Michelle', but guess what, neither do i. I found a site about her and she is a little five year old who died of batten disease, so I felt the need to spread her story, and so, here is a link to the page explaining what happened, if it doesn't work just copy it into your address bar, k? But for those of you who get upset easily I advise against visiting the following address:

http/homepages. the link doesn't show just type in 'Michelle's story- batten disease' in google and click on what should be the first one). I know this is a bit to ask, but could those of you who care enough please put 'Rest In Peace Michelle' in your reviews if you decide to review? Thanks for taking time to read this authors note, it means a lot to me. R&R please.

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Summery: Yaoi. One-shot. Horo is in the hospital, gravely sick. Ren knows he is going to die, but he can't live without him. Yet Horo's final wish is for him to do so. But will Ren be able to keep his promise?

Yaoi: HoroxRen

Letting Go 

"So… do you wanna get something to eat?"

"Of course," smiled Ren, "I'm starving."

"…So you actually _eat_ and don't live and depend totally on milk alone?" Horo kicked a can across the street, smiling a little as it almost made it to the other side, only to be crushed by an oncoming vehicle. _Alas, poor can, I knew ye well._

"No!" Ren playfully shoved his lover, "…I depend on you…"

"What?" Horo stopped, shocked by his lovers sudden words as Ren blushed slightly.

"Come on!" Ren said in a whiney tone, one which was rarely heard escaping his lips, "it's not like it's a _secret_ or something! I… I love you... Remember?"

"Yeah," Horo forced a laugh and continued to walk, trying his hardest to stay in a straight line as his feet moved all over the place.

"Horo…?" Asked Ren, looking at his koi, "are you ok?"

Horo looked up to see Ren with a very serious expression on his face, along with pale skin, meaning Ren was scared.

"Yeah, why shouldn't I be?"

"….Because…" Ren paused and lifted his hand to Horo's lips, and after a second taking them away to reveal a red, sticky substance. "…You're bleeding."

"Huh?" Horo looked at the blood on the Tao's hand, _crap!_ He thought, quickly wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

_Shit!_ His thoughts were rigged with curses as he regretted doing so, his sleeve now having a long trail of blood smeared into it.

"Aww, man!" He complained, "and this was my favourite shirt too!"

"H-Horo…" Ren was even more pale than before, his pupils were small and his eyes hadn't moved from his hand, "you're… you're bleeding…"

"…Maybe it's _your_ blood…?" Horo tried to get out of his current situation, he could feel a headache coming on and he knew that it wasn't a good sign, the last thing he needed right now was for Ren to find out about his illness.

Horo could see that Ren knew something was up, usually if Horo was bleeding he would just bark at him to be more careful, but it seemed that this time Ren wasn't going to accept the excuse 'I bit my tongue'.

No.

_This_ time Ren knew that Horo was gravely ill… but _how?_

"Come on," Horo smiled, continuing to walk, "lets go get something to eat!"

"…I'm not hungry…" Ren mumbled, "Horo?"

"Hm?" Horo turned around to see Ren staring at him, tears on the edge of falling from his golden eyes.

"Don't ever leave me. _Promise _you wont _ever_ leave me!"

"…Not even to go to the bathroom…?"

"_Horo!"_

"I…" He couldn't answer him… Horo _knew_ he would have to leave him, and soon. "I-"

Horo was glad when a speeding truck passed them, beeping its horn angrily at a dog in the middle of the road which fled from the loud machine, but the sound had blocked out his response.

"…Horo, I didn't hear your answer." Ren stated, moving towards the Ainu.

"Well, ya should have been listening!" Horo sang in a sing song voice and laughed as Ren glared at him.

"I'm tired," Horo announced, "lets go home."

Ren nodded, probably still in slight shock, and clung to Horo's arm the entire way, not once daring to let him go in case he might somehow lose him.

XXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Ren woke covered in sweat, his yellow, cat-like eyes like beacons in the light, once again he had had the same dream.

He rolled over to see, yet again, an empty space beside him.

_Why have you been sleeping in the spare room for the past week, Horo? Why do I keep having these dreams that you're going to die?_

That was what scared Ren the most.

The dreams.

He had been having them for just over a year now, and they had been getting worse.

At first they were just images of Horo at the doctors, complaining that he was coughing up blood, but recently, within the past few months, they had been getting worse… _much_ worse.

Horo had been going to hospitals with blood dripping from his mouth, forming huge pools of liquid on the floor, and within the past few days Horo had even died a few times. Ren would watch, helplessly, as the lines monitoring Horo's heart would suddenly halt and become a straight line, and he would cry as Horo's spirit would rise up from his body and smile at him, yet through the entire dream, Horo never spoke except a few times just to tell Ren that 'he was ok' and that 'there was nothing wrong.'

Ren hated going to sleep, but even in the day his dreams haunted him, when Horo went to the bathroom Ren would picture him coughing up blood in the sinks and toilets, or when Horo went to the doctors for a routine check up he would see him in his minds eye, asking how long he had left to live.

Ren crawled out of his bed and sneaked out of his room towards Horo's, a routine check up on his koi as he did so every night.

A thin stream of light appeared in the now slightly lightened room as the Tao peered inside, his eyes falling on Horo's body in search of a breathing pattern.

Ren waited for his eyes to adjust to the pattern of Horo's breathing, for if his eyes didn't adjust he wouldn't be able to see it.

He waited… and waited…

Ren stepped into the current room of his lover, silently walking up to the boy.

The only hint that Ren was there was his eyes that protruded from the darkness and his breathing that became faster and louder, more desperate for a sign that Horo was breathing.

"…Horo…?" Asked Ren, leaning down beside the presumably sleeping ice shaman.

Ren watched for any signs of life.

"H-Horo?" Ren's voice quivered and got louder as he grew more and more desperate for his friend and lover to wake up.

"_Horo!" _Ren was now violently shaking the Ainu, blue strands of hair fell onto the face that didn't show any signs of awaking.

The purple haired shaman screamed Horo's name, begging him to wake up as tears streamed down his face, landing on the pale skin of the boy in his arms, making it look as if he was actually crying too.

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_Horo could hear his lover calling his name and could swear that he was being shook, yet no matter how hard he tried to tell Ren that it would be ok, his lips just wouldn't move._

_After a while Horo gave up and tried to do what he thought was sleeping until sharp jolts of pain coursed through his body and then all went silent._

_Horo thought about all of the time he and Ren had spent together and all of the secrets they had shared, all of the times Ren had cried because of nightmares that haunted him and Horo would comfort him, but not once would Ren say what the nightmares were about._

_Horo could feel more jolts running through his body, white lights flashing on and off as his head span. He literally felt as if someone was tearing the essence of his soul and electrocuting it, but, after a while, the flashes faded, the screams that echoed in Horo's mind from Ren faded and finally he felt at piece, but five words seemed to whisper themselves in his mind: 'Horokeu, please don't leave me.'_

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Ren sat by the hospital bed, his eyes red rimmed from crying and his fingers wrapped around those of his lovers who lay unconscious in the white-sheeted bed.

Ren had called an ambulance when he realised that screaming for Horo to wake up wouldn't work.

The doctors had recently shocked Horo and had jump-started his heart, Ren had been so glad when he saw the rising and falling of his koi's chest, signalising life.

"Horokeu," Ren's voice was barely above a whisper, yet he somehow knew that Horo could hear him, "please don't leave me."

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Horo could feel himself waking up as he managed to twitch his finger slightly.

A bright light blinded him as his eyes slowly opened, but only managed to do so half way.

As Horo's eyes adjusted to his surroundings he realised that he wasn't dead, as he had been told he would be around this time, but he was indeed alive.

The Ainu managed to see that he was in a bed, for whatever he was laying on was soft and he could defiantly feel a quilt over him, but he could also feel… something else.

Horo's eyes drifted slowly down to the hand that was clasped around his, a weak smile formed on his face as he knew straight away who it was.

_Ren._

The sick shaman smiled, he knew Ren would never leave him, Ren was too stubborn and loyal.

But Horo wondered, was Ren _strong_ enough?

Strong enough to live the rest of his life without him?

That was what worried Horo most about his illness, it wasn't the fact that he would _die_, but the fact that he would leave Ren, and he knew that Ren would take his death very badly, _very badly indeed._

He could tell by Ren's eyes that he had been crying, and had probably stayed up the entire night waiting for Horo to wake up, probably finally falling asleep only when his eyes wouldn't allow him to stay awake any longer.

"…Horo…"

Horo's eyes darted towards Ren's mouth, _was that Ren that just spoke?_

"…Please don't leave me…"

Yes. It _was_ Ren.

Horo felt nothing but sadness and regret as Ren subconsciously begged for Horo to stay, for Horo to keep fighting whatever it was that was slowly defeating him.

_Even in his sleep Ren couldn't let Horo go, what chances did he have in life?_

Horo decided to stop Ren from murmuring anymore and moved his hand slightly, but just enough for Ren's eyelids to slowly flutter open.

"Hey," grinned Horokeu, his carefree smile appearing on his lips.

"…Horo…?" Asked Ren sleepily, but as his thoughts kicked in he remembered what was going on. "Horo!"

"Yes?" He asked, "say it a few more times and you _may _get first prize as a parrot."

Ren just stared at Horo, a blank expression on his face.

"Ok, so it was a lame attempt, but hey! I'm in hospital here!" He protested and laughed.

Horo stopped his laughter as Ren started to cry again, burying his face into the white sheets.

"Hey," the Ainu soothed, "it's ok, everything's gonna be alright-"

"No," Ren's body and words jolted as he sobbed, "don't- don't say that. It _wont_ be ok. Horo…" Ren suddenly lifted his head from the sheets and screamed the remaining words at his lover, "_Horo you're dying and they wont even tell me what's wrong with you!"_

Horo watched in silence, giving Ren time to calm himself, and when the Tao finally seemed to calm down, spoke.

"That's because they don't know," he smiled a warm and loving smile that tore at Ren's very soul, _that kind of smile doesn't suit a dead man. _"I've had this illness for years, I got it when I was young but recovered, yet three years ago it came back. Sure, pills worked at first, but it wasn't enough, and no one could do anything about it because they didn't know what it was."

"Well they _should_ know! They're fucking _doctors_ aren't they!" Ren yelled, "they're supposed to _heal_ people not sit back and say 'I'm sorry we're to fucking thick to know what you've got, you have three fuckin years left to live'!"

Horo could see that this conversation was killing Ren, and he could also see that he probably wasn't going to leave this hospital alive, for the pain in his chest was becoming unbearable, yet, with Ren by his side, he could bear it, because he knew he couldn't leave Ren in this state… No… Not yet.

"Ren," Horo spoke as the pain increased, yet the smile still remained on his face, "I love you, and I always will-"

"No," Ren shook his head as more tears spilt from his face. He knew what was coming.

"-but I have to leave you _some_ time, and think about it, I wont really be gone. I'll just be harder to find."

"P…please don't…"

"Ren," Horo spoke with both kindness and firmness in his voice, "You have to let me go. I'm going to die."

"No!" Ren screamed, standing up, "No you're _not! _You _can't_ die! After everything we've been through, you-"

Ren was interrupted as Horo gasped, his hand shooting up to his chest.

"Horo?" Ren watched as Horo scrunched his eyes closed, in obvious pain, as he gasped for air.

"It… will be alright!" He gasped, squeezing Ren's hand so hard that his knuckles turned white, "I… wont leave you until… you're ready…I…"

Ren stared in horror as Horo suddenly went limp and the machine, which had currently been beeping, made a long beep that cut straight through Ren's heart.

"…H-Horo….?" Asked Ren as nurses and doctors flooded into the room.

"…Horo…!" Ren's voice was shaky and got louder as one of the nurses tried to rush him out of the room.

"I'm sorry you'll have to leave!" She said in a hurry as she shoved Ren out of the doors.

"_Horokeu!"_ Screamed Ren as the doors closed, "Horokeu! Please don't leave me! Please!"

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"…Horokeu…" whispered Ren, staring wide eyed at the floor, not realising that he hadn't blinked in over five minutes, "…Horo…"

Ren had been taken to a room where he could calm down, and hadn't seen his lover since.

Ren, although in shock at seeing his lover die, knew that he would be back.

He knew that Horo was still alive.

_Is it right…?_

Ren dwelled in his thoughts.

_Is it right to let him live like this? Suffering like this from day to day?_

_Today I saw him in pain… a pain he's been hiding from me for three years…_

_No._

_It's not right…_

_But… I love him so much… I don't want to live without him…_

Ren's thoughts were interrupted as a nurse came through the door, the same on that had shoved him out of the room.

Ren glared at her until she finally spoke.

"You're friend-"

"Lover." Ren corrected her.

"Oh, yes, _lover _has sustain-"

"Is he alive?" Ren barked, wanting to get to the point, not sit around and chat while his koi could be dying.

"Yes," the nurse said quickly, "we revived him after we shocked him…"

Her voice trailed off as Ren quickly ran out of the room, not wanting nor needing permission whether he could go see Horo, because he would do it whether the hospital liked it or not.

He _will_ be with his koi.

All of Ren's anger drained away from him as he entered the room, seeing his lover unconscious on the bed all peaceful, it was like he was sleeping.

Ren sat on the chair and looked down at the boy.

_I hate you, God._

He thought.

_How can you be so greedy and cruel, as to take Horo away from me? You can take anything else, just not this, not Horo… Horo is my happiness._

_With all of the souls you have, what use could you possibly have with this one, how could he be more important to you than to me? Because nothing is as important to me as Horo, nothing._

Ren thought about what Horo would say if he could hear Ren talking like this.

No.

He _knew_ what he'd say.

Horo would say that he didn't expect Ren to be such a religious man, and crack some joke about how Ren could be a nun as he tried, or would start calling Ren '_sister Tao'._

Ren smiled as he thought about Horo's jokes and childishness, and how much that even though Ren said he hated it, he _loved_ Horo for it.

Ren couldn't believe that God, if he existed, was taking Horo away from him.

Or _was_ he?

Was eternal rest alone better than eternal pain with those you loved?

Was death easier than having a painful life?

Ren saddened as he began to wonder about these things, wondering that if Horo was in so much pain, why did he continue to fight?

Then he knew.

He _knew_ that he was the one keeping Horo alive.

He _knew_ that the only thing that caused Horo pain right now, was knowing that he would be leaving him when he wasn't ready to be alone.

…And he knew… that Horo wanted to be let go…

…He _had_ to let Horo go…

Ren remembered Horo's words.

"_I… wont leave you until… you're ready…I…"_

Ren wondered for a moment about what Horo would have said next, but smiled as he realised that he already knew the answer.

"I love you too." He whispered, holding Horo's hand.

He took a second to sit back and admire the being that was Horokeu Uisi.

His blue hair had fallen over his eyes, partially covering them since his headband was no longer on. His skin was pale and sickly as Horo fought for life, as Horo fought for _Ren._

Ren stood up and sat on the bed next to his lover, taking the body and cradling it in his arms.

"I love you," he whispered, "and I always will. And I know that you love me too."

Ren could feel the tears drip down his face as he spoke, once again falling onto Horo's eyes, eventually making their way down his cheeks too so it looked as if he was also crying.

Ren knew that deep inside, he was.

"But if it's time f-for you to go, then… then go." Ren choked on his words, yet still had a loving smile on his face. "I wont try to stop you, this time, I promise. I promise that I'll make a go of life w-without you. Without waking up to find y-you next to me in the morning… Without ever seeing y-your smiling face again…" Ren kissed his lovers cheek as he cried, he could feel Horo slipping away as the beeping on the machine started to slow.

"Go… Go to the land of the Angels… watch over us all, but promise, that one day... you'll come back for me… and I wont be alone anymore."

Ren's voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke, choking on most of his words yet still managing to carry on speaking.

"Just… just know that… no matter what happens, Horo… you will always be… my koi."

At that very moment the noise coming from the machine cut through the room, and what was once the beeping of a heart became the long, eerie sound of death.

Ren didn't even bother to look up as some doctors rushed through the door, looking startled to find Ren there cradling the lifeless body in his arms.

"No," Ren stopped a nurse as she started to make her way towards Horo, "…it's ok… he's gone… it's what he wants… please… don't try to bring him back…Please…"

The nurse nodded and understood as one of them said the traditional 'time of death' speech.

Ren looked out of the window as something caught his eye, he smiled as the last tear trickled down his cheek, landing on Horo's lips.

It was snowing outside.

Ren smiled, remembering how Horo _loved_ the snow, and was going to say something to him about it, but instead, could only manage three words:

"Love you, Horokeu."

XXxXxXxXxXxXx

Ren walked out of the hospital, he had previously called up the gang to tell them the news and had got some really freaky responses.

Yoh had cried until Ren had gotten annoyed and hung up.

Hao had cursed and said that he wanted Horo to die by being burnt alive, not by some fuckin disease.

Anna had screamed into the phone that whoever it was a sick and twisted freak and that if she ever got hold of them she would make their lives hell.

And he had got pretty much the same responses as Yoh from Ryu, Manta and Tamao.

But for some reason Faust didn't seem too surprised, and Ren had a suspicion that he had already known.

Ren sighed and walked down the streets that were now lit with street lamps.

He walked through the park towards a certain oak tree that he and Horo always sat under in the summer when it was too hot, and, despite it being winter, Ren couldn't help but go sit under it again.

He smiled, looking up at the stars in the heavens, trying to see if he could join a few to made Horo's face, when he had the sudden urge to look down.

Ren's smile grew as he read the three words written in the snow beside him, as real as the Earth and everything on it.

'_Love you too.'_

Ren laughed out loud, the sound of his laughter being carried by the icy wind.

"I know," he smiled, "I know."

Ren continued to watch the stars, but this time, he wasn't alone.

No.

This time, he _knew_ Horo was with him, for they were both watching the stars… together.

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A/N: Thank you for taking time to read this fic, it means a lot to me. I was nearly cryin writin the damn thing, lol. Review please.

Rest In Peace Michelle

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